nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
