glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
