Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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