there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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