Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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