I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
