there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
