Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
