Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
