Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
