DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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