textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
