Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
