It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
