dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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