So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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