I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
