my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
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