i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
