okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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