He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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