If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
