Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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