Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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