i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
