Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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