he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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