Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
