this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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