My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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