Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
