cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
