And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
