If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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