Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Barsexuality is the new black.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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