JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
