That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
