Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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