Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
