You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
