you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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