so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
