I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
