apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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