Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
