apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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