My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
