dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Holy shit dude........stairs
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
