Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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