Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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