Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
